Dry fast

The weekend is over and I'm incredibly glad. All I ever do is binge like crazy and feel horrible about it. This week I plan to work it all off, which is why today I plan to start my dry fast. I hope to do it for today and tomorrow because there simply is no other way out of this mess. I'm desperate to get back on track. Sadly this happens every single week. I splurge over the weekend and then fast/ over excercise during the week. I'm honestly so tired of doing this... It is far too time consuming and seems to hold importance over things that in reality should be my priorities. It makes me mad that I'm so susceptible to this disorder. Woke up at 5 am this morning and started mg dry fast then biked down to the bus stop. I hope that I can do this again. I'm a mess and nothing else:(

Rock Bottom and my story

I am a little hesitant to be making this blog since i'm not certain who can see it and what my settings are. I'm not too accustomed to the site yet and have only used it in middle school, where apparently I was a lot more tech savvy. I hope to find people that are going through relatively the same things as me on here. It finally came to me today that I need the support and I need the community because there is no way that I will be able to get through this on my own. I can officially say that today ive hit rock bottom. Sitting next to empty hummus containers, nutella cans, cookie boxes and candy wrappers, I think I can finally admit to myself that i'm desperate for help. The morning started out badly, I got on the scale and saw that the number had gone up by two lbs. Two lbs is a big number. It is the number that makes your face look chubby and your stomach bloated. It's the number that makes you fat. Being the rational and thoughtful person that I am my immediate reaction was to go upstairs and begin bingeing on all our new groceries from Costco(yes, rational). Anyways though, if you haven't already understood...I have an eating disorder. I have an eating disorder, and i've had one for a while now...I want to make this blog about it, and maybe even a potential recovery from it. I would like to start off by telling my story, how it started and why it started. Here we go!:) My story: I've always been thin and up until 8th grade I was incredibly underweight, but it was always natural. I could eat insane amounts of food and not gain (that awesome child metabolism!). I didn't care about my weight and it was never even something I thought about until the summer of 8th grade rolled around. I was going to Armenia to spend time with my grandparents and my aunt. My aunt who is a ballerina is very focused and strict when it comes to weight and the first thing she said to me upon my arrival was how much I had filled out and that I had become too chunky. When I first heard it, it really didn't phase me, but after hearing it multiple times a day, I started to notice. I noticed the small layer of fat covering my stomach. I noticed how large my thighs were. I even started to see things that didn't exist. I saw chubby cheeks, a double chin and fat hands. Everything suddenly felt out of proportion and I knew I had to make some changes. So in Armenia I went on a diet. I cut out candy and junk food and instead stuck to fruits and only "healthy" things. When I got back home I had dropped 10 pounds and I felt amazing. I was 5'7'' and 119 pounds, and I felt perfect. I kept eating healthy and was dropping the occasional pound here and there. I was loving the power and control that came with losing weight and I enjoyed stepping on the scale in the mornings. One day my friend came over and brought a bunch of snacks with her. We spent the whole day pigging out and catching up. The next morning I got on the scale and saw a gain and I panicked.That's when I promised myself i'd start to diet harder. Very slowly I began to cut things out. Ice cream, milk, yogurt, meat, bread and slowly avocados, mangoes and bananas. My diet became very limited and my caloric intake went from 2000 calories a day to around 500 within a few months. I was losing weight quickly and this continued all through my freshman year until I was around 105 lbs. I was over exercising, binging , purging, and starving myself. I continued this way throughout my sophomore year but gained 5 pounds along the way because my binging had become more intense and school was stressful. Now I am 5'7'' and 110 (today like 115:( binge weight)and a junior. I'm binging and purging 3 or 4 times a day and starving for days on end. I am desperate. I am lost and I am completely out of control. I crave to be back on top so badly again. I need it so much because this feeling is making me depressed and anxious. I don't know what to do. I'm at rock bottom. I've really hit it today. Sorry this was so long. :( help Margee